Only Hope
by Samantha20
Summary: Jo is having a time dealing with PJ after he tells her he doesn't love her. Then something happens to make it worse.


"Ben, I knew this wouldn't be easy, but does she have to be so cold?" PJ asked Ben suddenly, as they discussed a case in his office. "Mate what exactly did you say to the girl?" Ben asked, not entirely shocked by the change in conversation. PJ lowered his head to stare at the floor. "I told her I didn't love her." Ben chuckled dryly as he rested his head on his hand. "You've got to be joking. You can't just say that to someone and expect that everything is going to be okay. Especially not Jo." PJ stared at him. "Yeah, I kinda get that." "Having heard that, I'm actually a little surprised that she hasn't tried to shoot you." Ben told him. "What do you mean? The girl hates guns." "I mean that's your problem, PJ. She's not a little girl, and you still think of her as one." "I don't." PJ protested. "Jo, well she's just... Jo I guess." "And that 'Jo you guess', is a grown woman, and she's obviously not too happy with you. So, as much as I'd like to help you with this, I won't. Simply because I wouldn't wanted her mad at me, and that I don't really want to take sides."  
  
As he finished speaking Jo opened the door. "Ben, your ex-wife is on line one." Without acknowledging PJ she turned and disappeared from view. "Boy am I glad I'm not getting involved." Ben muttered as he left the room after her.  
  
As Jo began to get changed out of her uniform Tess walked in. "Sorry, Jo. I always seem to end up in a hurry. I'm incredibly disorganized today." "Not a hassle." Jo told her, as she put a jacket over the top of the T- shirt she was wearing. "I'm almost ready to go anyway." "Where do you get off to anyway?" Tess asked the younger woman curiously. "Dancing, the gym, swimming pool." Jo answered her as she folded up a pair of sweat pants. "How often?" "I like to do something every night. I have dancing Monday, Wednesday, Friday. But it's at different times, so some nights I'll go to dancing and then the pool. Are you interested?" she asked. "Not dancing, but I think I could pull off swimming and the gym maybe a few times a week. I should probably at least try to stay in shape" "How about tomorrow night?" Jo suggested. "I'm going to the pool." "Sounds good. Straight after work?" Tess asked her, watching as Jo nodded 'yes'. Tess's next question threw her for six. "What's going on with you and PJ?" "Nothing I know of." Jo told her, struggling to keep her cool. "Maybe you should ask him." With that she left the locker room quickly, before Tess could speak again.  
  
"Where are you off to tonight, Jo?" Ben called, freezing her quick getaway. "I'm intending on getting abducted by aliens, and letting them give me a tour of their space ship." she answered. "That sounds like fun, will you be home for dinner?" "No, I'll grab something on my way home." "What time will you be back?" He asked, curious about where she got to every night. "Whatever time the aliens see fit to release me. Can I go now?" Jo asked him, anxious to put some distance between her and her colleagues. She didn't wait for him to answer before she bolted out the door.  
  
It wasn't long before she was in her car, cruising down the road that lead to St. David's. Unable to stand the silence in the car, and the static noise of her own thoughts, Jo turned on the radio. The blaring strains of music drowned out her thoughts leaving her in blissful nothingness for the rest of the drive.  
  
It was almost eight o'clock by the time Jo pulled into the pulled into the driveway. The porch light was on waiting for her to come in for the night. As she unlocked the front door and walked through it she was shocked by the silence that met her. It was thick and heavy, like a blanket. Allowing her eyes to adjust to the dimness she looked around. Nothing was out of place. Nothing seemed wrong. Silently she moved around to the lounge room, carrying her sports bag with her. The television cast dim light on the room, creating shadows everywhere. She breathed in sharply as she came face to face with PJ, Ben, Tess and Jonesy. "Are you people aware that you scared me half to death?" she said loudly. Everyone jumped. "Scared you?" Jonesy asked her. "We didn't hear you come in." "So, how were the aliens?" Ben asked, a smile spreading across his face. "They think Earth is purgatory." She smart-mouthed him. "Do you ever give a straight answer?" Ben asked her. "Now why would I do that?" Jo asked, her face a picture of innocence. "Because that's a grown up thing to do." PJ told her. "And that's why you're a grown up is it?" she snapped at him. He looked at her like she'd just slapped him. She tore her gaze away, unwilling to see the hurt on his face. "I'm going to bed."  
  
"So what was that about?" Tess asked, referring to Jo's outburst. "What was what about?" PJ asked her in return. "You two aren't getting along anymore." Tess told him, "Why?" "You'd have to ask her." he answered. "Funny." Tess remarked. "I already did. She told me to ask you." Ben quickly hid a grin. "I think I'm going to bed too." he mumbled as he left the room.  
  
Once Tess and Jonesy left, PJ sat in the dark. Just thinking, for a long time.  
  
As usual, Jo was up early the next morning so that she could stretch and go for a jog. She enjoyed the world in the early hours after dawn. She jogged slowly at first, building up until she was running full tilt. The feel of earth being crunched between her feet gave her a feeling of power. Something she really needed that morning. It wasn't like she even enjoyed being back at the house anymore. All she'd been trying to do was avoid going back there, so that she wouldn't have to face PJ.  
  
When she walked back into the house PJ and Ben were both up. "Where've you been? Abducted by aliens again?" Ben teased her. "You don't know how to quit while you're behind do you? Jo asked him, still a little breathless from her running. "I went for a jog." She offered by way of an explanation. "Didn't know you jogged." Ben told her. "I might have come with you." "Maybe tomorrow." Jo told him, "Right now, I'm in the shower or I'll never get to work today." She gestured flippantly to her rumpled and sweaty jogging clothes. "I don't know why I bother."  
  
Ben handed her a cup of coffee as she walked back into the kitchen. Jo stared at him suspiciously. "What did you do?" "Do I need to do anything in order to want to be helpful to a friend?" Ben asked, feigning concern. PJ smiled at her, and for just a second Jo allowed herself to smile back. Then the pain returned and she frosted over once more, tearing her gaze away from PJ, refusing to meet his eyes. "Jo," he began, as she turned her back on him. "Jo, I would like to talk to you." "I'm late for work." she answered primly. He dragged a chair out from under the table. "Sit, now." "What am I? Some little kid who fawns over you like a big dumb dog?" she shot at him. "Joanna." he said warningly. "What are you going to do? Arrest me. Because if that's your idea of making me listen to anything else you have to say, I frickin dare you too. I'm not interested." She stomped out of the kitchen, coffee cup in hand. A few seconds later the pair of them heard her slam the cup down on a table somewhere, and slam the front door behind her. "I don't think that went too well." Ben observed from behind the kitchen counter. "Funny ha ha." PJ snapped at him. "You're still treating her like a kid." Ben called after him as PJ stomped his way down the hall, slamming his bedroom door behind him.  
  
Jo was already at work by the time PJ and Ben arrived. To Ben she seemed relaxed, until she noticed them, or most likely, he reasoned with himself, PJ. Unconsciously she slammed a heap of files down onto her desk and began to look through them. "Need a hand?" PJ asked her, as another pile began to slither it's way towards the floor. "Thank you." She said to him as he restacked the pile, not taking her eyes off what she was doing, unwilling to let him see the tears in her eyes. As the phone rang she leapt the her feet to answer it, upsetting the desk and scattering files everywhere. As Jo picked up the receiver she barely seemed to notice. "Hello?" She was quiet for a few minutes, her bottom lip trembling as she listened to what the caller was saying, nodding her head occasionally. "Thank you so much. Thank you." She said into the phone before hanging it up. Still unaware of the mess she'd made, Jo ran one of her hands over her hair. As she did so she noticed the mess of files covering the floor, desk and chair, as well as both Ben and PJ's feet. "Something important?" Ben asked her gesturing to the phone. "Uh, yeah." She bent down and began to pick up some of the files that littered the floor. As she did so the Boss came out of his office and stared at the mess. "What in hell is going on here?" "I sort of made a little mess." Jo told him. "A little mess?" he asked her. "How did this happen?" "I um, I had to answer the phone." She answered shoving an armful of files onto Jonesy's desk, despite him sitting there. "Well, if my observations are correct, there are four other members standing here. Any one of them could have answered the phone." "It was a personal call." She told him, her eyes not quite meeting his face. "You know that you aren't supposed to have people call you at work, especially male friends, one of whom I strongly suspect it was." He reprimanded her. "You don't know what you're talking about." she told him, her voice oddly calm, as she continued cleaning up the mess of files. "I suggest you enlighten me then." He growled at her. She took no notice of his tone. "My father's been in hospital for a week, in a critical condition. The doctor on the phone told me that he's finally been stabilized enough to operate on. He's expected to come out of surgery in about an hour." "Why haven't you gone up there then?" Tom asked her. "There wasn't anything I could do. I can cry about just as easily here as I could from home." "So you wouldn't have gone in to the hospital?" Tess asked her. "There's nothing I can do up there, and mum wanted me to stay here." She bit her lip to try and stop it from trembling, and not wanting them to see the tears that threatened to fall began to rearrange and restack the files on her desk into neat piles, her hands shaking. PJ placed his hands on her shoulders. "You're not all right, are you?" She pulled away from him, throwing her hands up. "Just let me tidy this mess up." He put one arm around her shoulders, not realizing how close he came to receiving a black eye, and forced her to sit down. She glared at him, angry that he had seen through all of her carefully built up defenses. "I'm not a child." "Stop acting like one." He told her. "If you want me to stop acting like one, stop treating me like one." She snapped at him as he made her a cup of tea. He placed the mug down on her desk, before turning to look at her. "I'm sorry if you feel that way." "Do you want me to say I'm upset?" she challenged him. "It would be a start." He nodded. "Well I am upset, and feeling fairly irrational. I'm also armed, so leave me alone." She snapped at him. "Are you feeling better then?" "Do not patronize me." she told him, her voice somehow free from all emotion. "I'm not trying to patronize you." he answered. "You're just trying to piss me off." she muttered. "And people tell me not to treat you like a child." PJ told her. "Do me a favor?" she asked him, standing up, suddenly sounding like her old self. He nodded, "Depends." "Hold this." she held out the cup of tea he'd made her. He looked at her confused. "Now walk into your office, and leave me the hell alone." she snapped, before storming off into the locker room and slamming the door behind her. "I don't think she wants to talk anymore." Jonesy said, breaking the silence. PJ started towards the locker room. Tess put her hand on his shoulder. "Let me talk to her." "But-" PJ began. "She doesn't want to listen to you." Tess told him. "She's just being stubborn." he told her. Tess gestured to the mug of tea in his hand. "Do you know how close you came to wearing that?" She held her fingers a tiny distance apart. "About this close." She turned away from him and started towards the locker room.  
  
Jo curled herself up in a corner, trying to stop her hands from shaking, trying to stop the tears that still threatened to come. She hated showing this kind of weakness, she hated being anything other than indestructible. At first Tess didn't say anything, she just wrapped her arm around the younger woman, waiting for Jo to speak. "I hate him." her voice was harsh, heavily laced with raw emotion. "Your dad?" Tess asked her, a little surprised. Jo had always maintained a great relationship with her dad. Jo shook her head. "PJ." "What did he do?" Tess asked her, treading gently. "He's a bastard." Jo stared down at her outstretched hand watching it tremble. "How can I let him do this to me?" "Jo, I don't think it's just him." Tess told her, "You're stressed, you love your dad. I know that you're worried about him." "Mum practically ordered me to stay here." she turned to face Tess, pools of unshed tears glittered in her brandy brown eyes. "What if something happens to him? What if something happens and I'm not there?" her voice turned to a plea which pulled at Tess's heart. She'd never felt love like this for either of her parents. "He'll be just fine. You'll see, in an hour or so, the phone will ring and everything will be all right." Tess reassured her. She brushed stray hair away from Jo's face with a sisterly concern. "You haven't been sleeping well have you?" Jo shook her head. "I can't bear the thought of it. Everyday, after work it's like I've had all that I can handle. So I go off to dancing, the pool, the gym, even just a really long walk or run, anything that keeps me out of the house until bedtime." She lowered her gaze to stare at the floor. "I don't think I can stand to be there much longer." she confided in a low voice. "Why not?" Tess asked her, concerned about what could have Jo so much on edge. "I don't think I can live with PJ much longer." "If your argument's that bad, you could always move in with me and Evan for a while." Tess offered. Abruptly Jo wiped her fingers over her eyes. "It's fine, I've got a new place lined up. It's just a matter of waiting until the sale goes through. Only about another three or four days." "You bought a place?" Tess asked, "Where?" "It's over in Grove Terrace. The owners wanted to sell quickly and cheaply. I was already looking, so I just put a deposit on it. I pay the rest Thursday, then it'll only be about two days before I move in." "So you didn't have to take out a mortgage or anything?" "When I was little mum entered me in lots of baby shows, then I got into modeling. I only gave it up about two months before I moved here. My parents put all of the money I made into a saving account. So far I've bought a car and a house." Jo explained. "That sounds like a really good idea." Tess told her. "I guess you haven't told Ben and PJ yet." Jo shook her head. "I wanted to wait until the sale went through. It's being painted already." "You don't do things slowly do you?" Tess laughed. "You're right." Jo agreed. "Are you feeling better?" "I just hate the way he makes me feel like I'm about five. How he always tries to be so..." she waved her hands as though she was clutching something invisible. For a while Jo remained quiet, as though trapped in her own world, but no one called her on it. Once she had finished putting away some of the files she found one PJ had been ranting about all morning. Silently she walked into his office and laid the file on his desk. He looked over the top of the file he was reading to stare at her. "Found the Atherton file." she told him, turning to leave. He stood up and laid his hand on her shoulders. She turned her head away from him. "Listen to me." "Let me go." she told him through clenched teeth. He shook her slightly. "I'm sorry." "For what now?" she bit back. "For everything I said." he told her, meaning it. She stared up at him, allowing his eyes to meet hers. "I love you." Jo broke his contact with her, and fled.  
  
As she hurried out of his office one of the phones rang. Hastily she picked it up. "Mount Thomas Police Station. Constable Parrish speaking." She paused, listening to the voice on the other end of the phone. "Thank you." she told the caller, replacing the handset back in its cradle. She pushed her hands down against the desk for support, trying not to break. She let out the ragged breath she didn't even know she'd been holding. Ben approached and put his arm around her, supporting her. "What's happened?" he asked gently. "Something went wrong. On the operating table. They don't know if he'll wake up." As Jo spoke her voice trembled, heavy with unsaid emotion, her thoughts in complete turmoil. "I'll drive you home." Ben told her quietly, "Just let me tell the Boss." As he left her, Jo realized in surprise that she was sitting down, and found that she couldn't remember doing it. Ben walked over to her, helping her up as he picked up a set of car keys. "Jo," PJ began as he walked out of his office. She paled at the sight of him, unable to stand anymore pressure, tearing away from Ben and bolting out the door.  
  
It wasn't long until she was driving towards Melbourne, the radio blaring, once more trying to drown out her thoughts. Trying to drown out the sound of PJ's voice saying 'I love you.' If he'd just been able to say it in the first place there wouldn't be these hassles. She wouldn't be trying to escape him.  
  
It was mid-afternoon by the time Jo pulled into the hospital parking lot, and even later by the time she found her father. Tubes and cords seemed to radiate from his body, she drew in a sharp breath. "Joanna." her mother greeted her, pulling her close and holding her tightly. "How's dad?" she asked, her voice sounding strange and far away. "There's no change." Jo pulled away from her mother, moving to sit on the other side of her father's bed. She curled up as comfortably as she could in the orange plastic chair, setting herself up for a long wait.  
  
As the afternoon passed without change, drifting slowly into evening, until morning, she only dozed lightly, never for very long. Jo was too afraid of what might happen if she allowed herself the luxury of sleep. She passed four days in remarkably the same fashion, rising only to go to the toilet, or change her rumpled and creased clothes, at the urging of her mother. To pass the time, and try to wake him up Jo talked to him, telling him what she'd been doing and stories about things they'd done together when she was a child, she even sang to him, until she was almost hoarse, but nothing helped. Every now and then Ben or Tess or someone from the station would ring to see how she was. PJ even rang a few times, but those calls she screened, leaving them unanswered. When she spoke to them she never had anything to say, never had any point to make. Several times Jo's mother tried to convince her to return to Mount Thomas, but each time she refused, not wanting to leave her father until he woke up.  
  
She watched the monitor as the beeps became slower, the spikes not so high, fewer and far between, until finally the beeps stopped altogether. The machine's alarm sounded, bringing in a flood of doctors and nurses. Each shook their head sadly lamenting the loss of their patient. Jo sat silently in her chair, unmoving, unable to comprehend that her father, the person she loved most in the world was finally gone. She closed her eyes, waiting for the tears to come, but somehow none did. She didn't have to worry about breaking anymore. She was done, done to the point where she couldn't fight anymore.  
  
Only hours later she sat in her mother's garden, lost somewhere, in a place beyond pain, beyond grief. She was just numb. Nothing mattered. Somehow she managed to lock herself away somewhere deep inside, away from pain, anguish and thought.  
  
The next morning Jo dressed in preparation for the funeral, mixing deep maroon and charcoal in with the traditional black. Her mother said nothing about her attire as they drove over to the church for the service. Jo was surprised by the amount of flowers, in the form of wreaths, garlands, and bouquets that had been sent by her father's many friends and associates. It was only now that tears pricked her eyes, spilling silently over her cheeks. Somehow she made it through the service, and the wake. Holding it together until all of the people had gone.  
  
It was late in the evening by the time Jo drove back into Mount Thomas. As always the porch light was on at PJ's place. She parked her car, and got out, leaving all of her luggage where it sat in the back seat. Using her keys she unlocked the front door, closing it quietly behind her. She was surprised to see everyone in the kitchen and lounge room. "Jo, is everything all right?" Ben asked, shocked to see her. She shocked them all by bursting into tears, bringing her hands up to cover face. "Hey," PJ's voice was soothing, and as he wrapped his arms around her, she realized that here she finally felt safe. She said nothing, just wrapped her arms around him and sobbed. He stroked her hair and let her cry. It was a long time before the tears stopped coming. Gently he lowered her down to sit on the couch. "Dad died yesterday. He just faded away. He didn't even wake up to say good bye." She told them, her voice raspy from all the crying. "We had the funeral today." "Why didn't you call us?" Tess chided her, "We would have come up to be with you." "I didn't know what to say." Jo shook her head, as though confused. "It's okay," PJ reassured her, "It'll be okay." "Yeah, it'll be okay." she echoed, "It's just the end of my world." Her voice had become angry, taking everyone by surprise. With shaking hands she brushed her hair, which hung loosely around her face, back over her shoulders. PJ pulled gently at one of her curls, which were more often restrained than not. She turned her face to look at him, "I'm not very good company at the moment." "That's okay." PJ pulled her into a hug once more, relishing the feeling of her body close against his. She said nothing, just closed her eyes, letting a sense of security wash over her. As she stayed there safe in his arms a feeling of exhaustion swept though her. Before she could speak she had fallen asleep. Carefully PJ untangled himself from her, leaving her sleeping on the couch. He leaned over and picked her up, gesturing for Ben to open her bedroom door. Tess pulled the covers back on her bed, and removed her shoes. PJ pulled the covers up around her, tucking her in.  
  
"I've never seen her look so sad." Tess spoke as they sat down in the lounge room. "It'll take her a lot of time to get over it." Jonesy added. "She'll be all right." PJ told them, "If anyone is a survivor, it's Jo." "You're just saying that because you think she's forgiven you." Ben told him. "What has she forgiven you for?" Jonesy asked. "Nothing." PJ told him, flashing an angry look at Ben. "You lot are impossible." Tess told them, "Evan we should get going. I have an early start in the morning."  
  
PJ slipped into Jo's room before he went to bed, so that he could check on her. In the dim moonlight he could see the sadness etched into her features, and felt a pang when he realized that he couldn't do anything to help her overcome any of that sadness. As he watched her, a bittersweet smile turned up the corners of her mouth. Gently he brushed several stray curls away from her face and wondered what she was dreaming about.  
  
It was late the next morning, or really early afternoon, when Jo awoke. She was surprised to see the rays of sunlight, and even more surprised that her alarm hadn't gone off. She allowed herself to wake up slowly, before getting out of bed and jamming her feet into a pair of fluffy bedroom slippers walked out into the lounge room, dragging a blanket behind her. "Good morning." PJ called to her from the kitchen. She jumped, "I guess I know why my alarm didn't go off then." She told him. "I let it go for about ten minutes." PJ smiled, walking over to give her a hug. "When you didn't stir I thought I'd just turn it off." She pulled away from him and threw herself down onto the couch. "I needed the sleep." She rubbed at her eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?" PJ asked, not wanting to upset her. "I was with him when he passed away. Machine just beeped less and less often until it just stopped, and he was gone. I couldn't move, I didn't even cry. I've never felt as alone as I did then." She paused. "I can't believe I didn't even get to say good bye, or tell him I loved him. I think that's the thing that I hate the most. The funeral was quiet, but I don't think I've ever seen so many flowers in one place. There were so many people there, people I hadn't seen in years. God, the guys my dad played footy with when I was only a little girl were there. Everyone just looked so, shattered, like they couldn't believe he was gone either." PJ reached out and took her hand. "You aren't alone Jo, not ever." "Isn't it strange that I can hate something that was so beautiful." She whispered, more to herself than to PJ. "You'll always have the good times to look back on." PJ reminded her. "I'm dancing in a ballet in a few weeks. Dad was going to come and watch me. Basketball, netball, gymnastics, ballet. He never missed an important game, or recital, ever." She sat silently, knowing that she had let her guard down. Feeling that she had let it down too far. He moved from the coffee table, to sit down beside her. She stared up at him, trying to read his expression. He leaned down and kissed her. She leaned back against the couch, letting his arms find her waist, and pull her against him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere. Beside them, the phone rang. With a clumsy hand Jo managed to pick up the phone, finding it hard to concentrate on the conversation, with PJ trailing kisses down her neck and over her collar bone. "Hello? Uh, speaking." she gave PJ a shove. "Thank you. I'll pick up the paperwork later. Yeah. Okay, bye." She dropped the cordless back onto it's stand. "Who was that?" PJ asked her, curious. "Real estate agent." she told him. "About your dad's place?" he asked sympathetically. "No, actually. I bought myself a house." Jo paused, waiting for him to get angry. "Where abouts?" Was all he said. "Grove Terrace." She told him. "How much did it sent you back?" "Fair bit. It's a nice house though. It's big inside, with lots of space in the yard too." She told him. "How big inside?" "Four bedrooms, two bathroom, lounge and rumpass room." "What do you need so much space for?" PJ asked. "I just like the way the house feels. Anyway, the sale's gone through, and I've just had most of it painted." "So you were just going to up and leave." "I bought the house so that I could get out of here. I really didn't like fighting with you." Jo explained. He laughed, "So you bought a house. Geez, I'd better be careful, next time I manage to upset you, you might..." Jo shut him up by kissing him again. "What was I saying?" PJ asked, slightly dazed after she pulled away from him. "No idea." She told him, slightly breathless. They were both silent for a while, both unsure of what to say. "I do understand how you feel." PJ told her quietly. "I never expected to lose him. I always thought that he'd be there for me." "It's a bit like that." he confirmed. As he finished speaking Ben, Tess and Jonesy walked in. "What's a bit like what?" Ben asked. "Losing people." Jo told him simply. "I'll never understand whey people go to all the trouble of making funerals so beautiful, when every who attends just says, 'wasn't that nice.'" "People say that because they don't know what else to say." Tess told her. "I hate funerals." She told them bitterly, "I've been to far too many of them." "Even one is too many." Ben tried to comfort her. "But you go out of respect to the person who has passed away." "Why don't you just say died?" Jo wanted to know. "Death isn't pretty, and it's not all roses and tulips. They don't make you alive again." Ben backed down, knowing that it this mood Jo wouldn't respond to logical thinking, or the niceties surrounding death. "I went to my best friends funeral when I was twelve." Jo told them, out of the blue. "She died of leukemia. Right up to the end she was in pain. I remember seeing her coffin and dropping the flowers I was carrying. Valentine's mum just hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. I didn't understand how she could see her daughter lying there and say everything would be okay. People said the same thing to me at Jag's funeral, and at Dad's too. Everything will be okay." She looked up into PJ's face, her eyes wide, as though she was confused. "How can people lie to each other like that?" He squeezed her hand. "I don't know. Maybe they aren't lying. Life goes on doesn't it?" "What if I don't want it too?" Jo asked in a small voice, which sounded unfamiliar, even to her. "Then you'll miss out on all of the things you should see, and all of the things your dad would have wanted for you." She bit down on her lower lip, trying not to cry. Not because she didn't want to seem weak, just because she was afraid once she started that she wouldn't be able to stop. "Who was Jag?" Tess asked, thinking of something else for Jo to talk about. "My ex-fiancee." She said quietly. "How did he die?" Tess blundered on, hoping that the guys death wasn't too close to the surface. "He was stabbed outside a night club... the knife severed an artery, and he was gone before the ambulance got to him." Jo looked up at her. "Why?" "You've never mentioned him before." PJ told her softly. "When did it happen?" Tess asked, now concerned about her friend. "January 19th, 2000." Jo said, more to herself than to them. "We were supposed to get married in February." Absently she twisted the fine gold chain around her neck, the hanging obscured by her fingers. "Does anyone want a drink?" She asked suddenly, jumping to her feet. Before anyone could answer she pulled a bottle of wine off the rack. "Are you sure you want that?" Ben asked dubiously. "More for me then." She said, interpreting his comment as a 'no'. PJ got up and took the bottle off her gently. "It won't make it go away you know." "Just open it for me." Jo told him. Silently he complied with her request, handing her the opened bottle. Delicately she removed several glasses from one of the kitchen cupboards, filling each to the brim as an offer to each of the others. She picked up her own glass, swirling the dark red fluid before taking an appreciative sip. "You aren't alone Jo," Tess tried again. "No, I'm just drinking alone." Jo told her, placing her empty wine glass back down on the counter. "You don't need to get drunk to make yourself feel better." Jonesy told her. "I don't need too." Jo agreed, "But I'm doing it anyway." She filled her glass up again, and took another sip. "Jo," PJ began. "We let you deal with your mother's death in your own way." She cut him off. "If I want to have a drink because that's how I want to deal, then let me be." Downing the rest of the glass she wrinkled her nose up at the bottle. "You should be glad I'm not drinking anything stronger." Unexpectedly she burst into tears, dropping the glass onto the bench top. The glass broke into several pieces. Tears almost blinding her, Jo attempted to clean up the shards. Before PJ could pull her hands away Jo's palm brushed against a razor sharp crystal fragment. She hissed, cradling her palm, watching as the streak of red blossomed into a river of blood. Ben wrapped a clean tea-towel around her hand, squeezing it firmly to try and stop the bleeding. After a few minutes, Ben unwrapped the tea-towel so that PJ could have a look at it. "I don't think you'll need stitches." He told her, "But I bet it stings." "Don't start." Jo told him, "Please, just don't." She pulled her hand away from Ben's and PJ's ministrations, not caring that blood filled the palm of her hand. Transfixed she stared at it, stared at the tiny pool of light in it's center, a reflection of the kitchen light above them. She began to tremble violently. "Please tell me you aren't one of those people who can't stand the sight of their own blood." She heard Jonesy say, somewhere far off in the distance. Jo's mind was no longer in the room. She was far away, trapped in a memory, somewhere deep in her mind.  
  
Street lights were reflected in the puddles, left by the rain earlier. The night air was chilly, and it was later. Long past the time when she should had been safely at home in her bed. The sounds of the club echoed dimly through the alley ways of a not so nice part of Melbourne. Every noise was strangely distorted, carrying an unnaturally long way in the clear night air. The body close beside Jo's was warm though, his hands clutching hers, keeping out the bitter chill. Then things began to move quickly, in a blur Jag was dragged away from her, and in a flash of silver she saw the knife plunge deeply into Jag's upper arm as he raised it to ward off the blow. As he cradled his injured arm, crying out for her to run, the knife was stabbed repeatedly into his chest and upper body. Blood dribbled onto to the wet pavement, creating dark maroon streaks on the silvery surface. Silently the rain began to fall, diluting the blood and turning the pavement pale crimson. She screamed loud and long, the images of what had happened that night would haunt her dreams for years afterward.  
  
Suddenly she blinked, and the room around her came into focus once more. "Jo?" She heard PJ ask. "Jo, if you can understand answer me." Slowly she reached up to touch the side of her head. "What happened?" she asked shakily. "You spaced out." Jonesy told her. "One minute you were with us and then the next you were just... gone." his voice was uncertain, as though he was still coming to grips with what had happened himself. Unconsciously Jo reached up to take hold of the charm hanging on her necklace, twisting it in her fingers. "Jo are you sure you're okay?" Tess asked her, noting her friend's normally tanned skin was almost white. "I don't know." she told them, the sound of her voice strange in her ears. "Do you want us to call a doctor, or take you to the hospital?" Ben asked, thoroughly spooked. He'd never seen anything like the episode he'd just witnessed. Jo didn't look at him, she flexed her fingers and wrists, as though she was a stranger in her own body. "I don't want to see a doctor." "What happened?" PJ asked, not spooked like Ben, just overcome by the compulsion to take care of her. "It was just a memory." Jo sounded distant. "Just a memory." She closed her eyes, as though she was exhausted. "It's okay." He tried to reassure her. "No." she told him bluntly. "It's not okay. That hasn't happened to me in a long time." "What was the memory?" Tess asked, feeling that some of the answers to Jo's problems lay there. "It doesn't matter." Jo told her, "It doesn't do anyone any good to dwell on the past. What's done can't be undone." Unsteadily she got to her feet. "It does matter." PJ told her. "Look at you, you spaced out or whatever, you can barely stand, you're shaking." She turned to him, biting her lip. Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. "I don't want to talk about it." Seeing her distress PJ let the subject drop. "What do you want to do then?" "Throw myself in front of the TV, and watch cartoons all day. With chocolate ice-cream." she admitted. "Sounds like my idea of moping." Tess agreed. "Why do women feel that chocolate ice-cream is the most important thing when moping?" Jonesy asked. "Chocolate has a chemical in it, endorphins I think. They make you happy." Jo told him, brushing her fingers over the corners of her eyes, wiping away tears before they fell.  
  
They were well into their fifth cartoon show before Jo finally began to feel calm again, able to banish the memories that haunted her to the deep recesses of her mind once more. She spent all of the next cartoon show curled up next to PJ, her head resting comfortably on his shoulder with her eyes half closed. She was jolted out of her daze by Ben and Jonesy arguing. A quick glance at the TV told her that they were watching Loony Tunes. "Bugs Bunny kicks Yosemite Sam's butt." Jonesy argued. "Well, Yosemite is the better cartoon." Ben argued. "Daffy Duck is better than both of them." Tess joined in. PJ shook his head, as though commenting on the immaturity of them, before coming out with, "You can't go past Sylvester and Tweety." Jo chuckled softly. She couldn't imagine PJ watching Sylvester and Tweety, ever. "You're all wrong." She interrupted. Everyone turned to look at her. "So who's the best cartoon character then?" Jonesy asked, teasingly. "Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. Very close second is Marvin the Martian." She told them. "Road Runner was my favourite when I was a kid." Ben added wistfully. "I always wanted to be able to run as fast as him." "I used to feel so sorry for Wile E." Jo told them, "Then I found out that he wanted to eat the Road Runner." The others laughed. "Well I never thought it was funny. I had nightmares about the coyote for months afterwards." Jo told them. "How old were you?" Jonesy asked, doubling up with laughter. "I was only about seven." PJ smoothed several curls away from her face. "You're a nut." She shoved him in the side, "I'm not the one whose favourite characters are Sylvester and Tweety Pie. I can't even picture you watching them." "Okay, okay." Jonesy began, "What was your nick-name when you were a kid?" He asked everyone. "Everyone called me Pat." PJ told them, "Not very original, huh?" "My friends called me Tessa, or Tressa." Tess said, "God I hated that." "Benny, one kid always called me Benjy though." Ben added. "You cannot beat my nick-name when I was a kid." Evan told them. "So what was it?" Tess teased him. "Ev-man." The others groaned "What about you Jo? Didn't you have a nick-name when you were little?" Ben asked. "My nick-name is Jo." she told him, "But when I was little my friends called me Jinx." "Jinx?" Tess asked. "I used to play a lot of practical jokes, especially on my teacher, because she was old." She paused to smile at the memory. "Mrs. Thomas used to say that she was jinxed. Dad used to say I was his lucky charm, he called me Jinx too." "That's kinda cute." Tess told her. "I can see you playing tricks on people." Jo flushed a deep shade of crimson. "You're not supposed to say that. I'm a good girl." She grinned wickedly, "That's why I never got caught." She stretched, sliding to the floor as she did so. "Are you feeling better?" Tess asked, glancing at the empty carton of chocolate ice-cream on the coffee table, filled with spoons. Carefully Jo pulled herself up into a standing position, taking care to balance herself properly. She glanced down at the linen bandages on her hand, so different to the blood which had adorned it earlier. "I think so. Yeah, I am." "Do you want to talk about it?" PJ asked, not wanting to push her. Almost as though she hadn't heard his question, Jo walked over to the window. She stared out at the landscape, at the day that had been so sunny, but was now dreary and Grey. Rain pattered gently on the roof, growing steadily louder. "Have you ever seen someone die?" She didn't turn to face them, just continued staring out of the window. The others were silent for a moment, unsure of how to respond. "I was with mum." PJ volunteered. "Not like that." She told him, still not turning away from the window. "You mean like unnaturally?" Tess asked. "I hate the rain." Jo said quietly. "It never brings hope with it, just washes it away." "I was with Maggie when she died." PJ tried again. She nodded. "It's hard isn't it? When there's nothing you can do. You can remember the little things. What the pavement looked like in the rain. Even how the blood mixed with raindrops, dying the pavement from silver into crimson. I can remember the look on his face, and him telling me to run." Jo's voice had become detached, as though she was describing something that had happened to someone else. PJ knew differently. He knew what it was like to watch someone you loved die. "I can remember the look on the security guard's face when he ran over, and the things he said into the radio. But after that I don't remember much. Just that I always woke up screaming." She turned to look at them, slightly confused. "I haven't dreamed about Jag in months. I don't even know why I thought of him." Her fingers found the small scar on the right side of her face, right along her hairline. "I don't even remember falling. I know that there was blood everywhere from the cut, but I don't remember falling." Tess frowned, her brain working overtime. She'd never seen her friend like this, she'd certainly never spoken like this either. She reached out and squeezed Jo's hand. "You must think I'm going crazy." Jo told them, shaking her head. "None of us think that, Jo. You're probably more sane than I am." Jonesy told her. She glanced at him, raising her eyebrows, before staring back out the window.  
  
Dark Grey clouds hung over the skyline, making the day darker than usual. Raindrops beat down against the windows, while in the distance thunder rolled and lightning split the sky. The weather reflected her inner turmoil, almost bringing her to her knees. She shivered, suddenly desperate for warmth, finding that her jeans and jumper weren't enough to keep the cold from her body. Fluidly she moved to PJ's side and curled up against him, allowing the warmth of his body to permeate her skin. "You do know that you can talk to us, Jo?" PJ asked her, "About anything." Somehow she managed a sort of lop-sided smile. "Define anything?" He just cuddled her. She closed her eyes, trying to block out the flood of memories that bombarded her thoughts. It wouldn't always be like this. She wouldn't always hurt so much. The thought of that gave her hope. If she could get through the next five minutes, the next minute, she knew that one day, everything would be okay. 


End file.
